This week an instrument came to life. Everything is lush from the rain and growing, and we had a good stretch of sunshine and heat. It doesn’t fix everything, but it can help put it in perspective. Springtime cannot be stopped, and summertime is coming.
So the thought occurs to me (as I’m sure it has for many), what would I do differently if I knew there was a chance I was within a week of dying? Heavy, I know – but you know we can’t just walk around oblivious to reality. This has been a concept I’ve worked with for a large chunk of my adult life, one I didn’t share often because people look at you like you’re mental when you bring it up. Well, they may have stopped that now. But really – I took it and framed living that way because I was out in the middle of nowhere settling a raw piece of land in the Texas summer, having to figure it out from that level. That’ll put you in that mindset as you put together a new life from that kind of place. So if you accept this, that this time may come at any time for any of us, what would you change of what you CAN change? What would you accept of that which you can’t? And what would you be doing differently a month, a year, a lifetime from now having been granted the extra time you now see as a gift?
Well number ONE I would stop ignoring death. It was considered morbid in my family to even mention it, other than reading the obituaries and all. Hey guess what? It’s coming! And you don’t know when even in the best of times. That’s the deal you make on the way in for this potentially beautiful walk. That one day there’ll be an uncomfortable moment and you will leave the body. I know there’s no switch to flick to ease that fear, but there are things to do that neuter it pretty well. So number two is number one on THAT list - to take care of loose ends. I have life insurance not just for my wife as payback for putting up with me all these years, but for you as a client, so I can settle up with you if shit goes less than as we planned and I bite the big one. This is big – I sleep better because “Who I owe what” is no longer a source of worry. Life insurance and notarized instructions for disbursement are cheap. Tie other loose ends up however they need to be. Tie ‘em up - you’ll feel better. Trust me.
Third, I would leave nothing unsaid. I would tell everyone I care about how much they mean to me and that I love them, the impact they’ve had on my life. And those toxic people? Gone. They’d be gone. Arm’s length at least, out into the cornfield as necessary. Now I wouldn’t hate them, I’d wish them well, absolutely sincerely - but if we’re running unhealthy circles and I take it in the shorts every time you lose your grip… I’m sorry, with empathy and love, you’re out. I’m not huge on forgiveness enough to let it all happen again, just enough to hold no grudge and wish no ill – but they’re out. Somebody shits in the garden every time you let them in? They can go shit somewhere else! Time’s short and you need your energy for more positive results. You can tell them that too. It might wake them up. And it might not. It might be a task for bigger hands. Remove these people from your daily life.
Fourth, I would do fun things I’d been putting off. From taking that mental health afternoon off work to go sit and watch the sunset, to – if everyone has shoes and is fed and all other responsibilities are met – buying that old car I wanted my whole life (or guitar, or something beautiful that inspires you). You worked hard, your results speak for themselves. If it’s not going to topple the whole applecart over, go do it. Heck, if that applecart’s just been a harness around your neck to pull it for long enough with just whipmarks on your back to show for it, and doing something for yourself IS actually going to cause an issue, TURN that thing over and let that be your reward. “How about that, aaah?” Again, while taking care of the responsibilities you signed on for. But don’t sell yourself short, OK? FFS, time is ticking, bub! If you always wanted to play an instrument, go start. None of it’s rocket science to get a few good notes out of it that feel wonderful. If you want to be healthier, or see the beach, or grow tomatoes, start making plans. If you’re going to die, die walking toward betterment.
Fifth, I would atone for stupid crap I’ve done. I’d reach out to people I thought I wronged, or exited less than gracefully from, and wish them well and own it. In my case I have been blessed with kind people who remember things differently than the weight I had carried - may yours be as well. We’re all green apples here to ripen. Everybody has skeletons in the closet. Clean them out. If it’s a higher power, connect and make peace. If it’s the earth, connect and make peace. If you think it’s just you… connect and make peace. Plant seeds for what you have taken. Serve now for times you have been served. Serve the servants. Serve the servants of the servants of the servants. Go encourage for when you’ve been a dick. Leave it better than you found it. Again no switch, no magic instant potion, but these can be planted and cultivated at any time rather than fear, isolation, blame, hatred, dissonance, and panic. And if you only have SO much time and energy, maybe spend it on what you want to GROW.
You might find yourself living differently when you don’t die in a week, which odds are HUGE you won’t. And life lived with these ways worked in will most definitely be a changed one, odds being really good that over time it’ll be a much better one too. Amazing what these do for your peace inside. Now, just by acknowledging the inevitable as if it were real and close by you, you’ve turned that enemy into an ally for a better LIFE while you are ALIVE. And, bonus for all of us and the universe, you bring that to everything you touch and all that you do. You don’t have to obsess over it, just use it as one more navigational tool while you’re here. And you can still stuff it aside when it’s time to devote to a long term plan… but it will set you up to measure its worth a bit differently too. Make it worthy. Make it a good one to devote to in that way. Die on the way up the mountain! Make it big and make it mean something. There are far worse epitaphs to have than “Died half way up Mt. Everest.” Whoever you are, I know this time is probably weirder for you than it is to me – I’ve lived mostly like this for a long time. I know this labyrinth well, and that’s why I share this. Take what works and helps and pass along the rest. I offer it with my highest.
Now one NEW thing I’m definitely noticing is that the shape of my ass is changing. Yeah, I know – bear with me here. We’re friends, we share. Right? OK. Recently every time I go to sit down, my T shirt pulls back and chokes me out. EVERY TIME! It happened every once in a while, but now it’s every time. And my chairs and shirts have not changed. So, as a systems guy, I look to the point of engagement. Naturally. And that would be my ass! My butt. My posterior, heinie, rear end, kiester… my tukhus, my gluteus maximus. I don’t see a change, not that I stare at my ass in the mirror all the time. I mean I just see it. It follows me wherever I go. And sure there might be a little extra there from, say, those days when I WAS out here crazed and bearded and driven, clearing spots and hammering shelter and working myself like a pack mule. But has there been some threshold I’ve crossed? Some mean average of ass-pressure-roll-pulldown quotient I’ve exceeded? Just what the hell is going on here? Am I advancing into potter’s wheel ass? How are your asses holding up – they doing OK? Let’s talk about our asses. OK, that’s quite enough. And please, don’t make any cracks about it.
Sunday is Easter, it’s going to be a strange one for some of you without the big family gathering… and for others of you the best Easter ever without the big family gathering. Whichever, I wish you all a happy Easter and especially want to send wishes to our friend Ben – “HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!” Lots of good fun was done as work in the shop this week, it’s starting to warm up a bit which is great – I like to sweat when I work. It’s a healthy thing to do. The birds are active, the squirrels are checking me out, and the earth is in bloom. Springtime is here and it can’t be stopped. Everything blooms where it’s at – we can too. This is a great time to deepen ourselves, to better ourselves, to begin making the changes we CAN make and being more present in our moments. Thank you so much for reading all of this and I hope it inspires. It’s Friday mid-day as I finish this up, and the sun is burning off the clouds from the rain & hail storm yesterday. All good here, I’m going to do another round on things and call it a week. Take it easy, be cool to each other, and be good to yourselves. We love you.
Listening to: En Route – The John Scofield Trio Live; Hunting El Chapo audiobook; Whitesnake Donnington ’90; my own stuff (doing mixdowns).